


feather therapy

by clairelutra (exosolarmoon), noxfleuret



Category: Final Fantasy XV
Genre: Banter, Crack, Gen, Gentiana is Not Pleased with the Prophesy going down like this, logic applied to gaming
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-29
Updated: 2018-09-29
Packaged: 2019-07-18 22:36:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,065
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16128170
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/exosolarmoon/pseuds/clairelutra, https://archiveofourown.org/users/noxfleuret/pseuds/noxfleuret
Summary: Fact: Daemons are (pretty much) undead.Fact: Ardyn is (pretty much) a sack of daemons.Fact: You kill undead with curatives (in video games).Ardyn + Phoenix Down = XSolve for X.(Gentiana isn't pleased with any of this illogical, blasphemous human nonsense, but at least there isn't an apocalypse on the docket for today.)





	feather therapy

**Author's Note:**

> Kink meme prompt:  
>  _Daemons are basicly undead right? So any FF veterans know the best way to kill undead in final fantasy is Phoenix Down. Noctis is a gamer who toatally lnows this so there's not need for an eloborate murder-suicide. Nict just throws the magic featherv at him and he's dead for good._ [sic]
> 
> the long and the short of it: i laughed myself sick and then i opened a word doc.
> 
> (note that i am _hella_ weak on ffxv lore, so this is basically 'au where everything is the same except the things that are different because the author didn't know better.') (yeah yeah i know I KNOW) (...look... did _anyone_ manage to make sense of the ending? because i sure didn't.)

"Okay, so... Ardyn used to be a healer," Noctis checked. Translating Astral-speak into human-speak always took him a minute or two.

Gentiana nodded.

"But he healed too much and got corrupted, and now he's what keeps the daemons popping up after all these hundreds of years."

Gentiana nodded again.

"And he's... immortal?"

"The Accursed is as immortal as any mortal may be under the eyes of the Six," said Gentiana, still in that 'a prophesy will be told unto the King of Light' voice. "His soul, lost to the festering scourge. The life of the Accursed rests only in the hands of darkness, lost forevermore."

"So... basically he's undead."

Gentiana cocked her head.

"Like he died but he's still moving around?" Prompto offered. "Like a zombie. A daemon zombie."

Gentiana thought it over, then gave a slight nod.

"And now he's got this big plan commit murder-suicide because Noct's ancestor was a dick," Gladio surmised.

Gentiana nodded again. She was probably trying to translate just as hard as they were. "The King of Light is a driving force to the end of the Scourge of our Star. The Messenger believes that the King of Light would benefit from this knowledge."

"Heh," said Noctis. All there was _to_ say, really. "Anyone tried a Phoenix Down yet?"

Gentiana opened her eyes to stare at Noctis. "Phoenix... Down...?"

Noctis coughed. "N-nevermind."

"It's how you kill undead enemies in like... Final Fantasy X," Prompto said, because he really wanted Luna's attendant to know what a massive nerd Noctis was, apparently.

"In _all_ of them," Noctis corrected under his breath, because yes, he was just that big of a nerd.

Looking slightly lost, Gentiana said, "The Prophesy states that the Accursed..."

"Wait— _has_ anyone tried using a Phoenix Down on him?"

"When darkness falls, the Chosen King will be the one to light the night sky," said Gentiana, now sounding thoroughly out of her depth.

"Yeah, I _know_ ," said [Noctis Lucis Caelum](https://translate.google.com/#auto/en/noctis%20lucis%20caelum), "but the _Phoenix Down."_

Almost grudgingly, Gentiana admitted, "...The Messenger only knows of the Prophesy, not of human curatives."

"...So no one's tried the Phoenix Down."

Gentiana's lips flattened slightly. It was the most irritated Noctis had ever seen her. "...Correct."

"..."

"It could well be an amusing attempt," Ignis offered.

Prompto checked their inventory. "27 left."

Gladio cracked his knuckles. "Let's get a few more of those things and go track down a bastard."

* * *

The found him on the boardwalk to Galdin Quay.

"Why Noctis! What a _lovely_ surprise. I hardly expected you to come to see little old _me_ —"

The smile on Ardyn's face only lasted as long as it took for Noctis to warp up to him and shove a Phoenix Down between his teeth.

"Glek," said Ardyn.

It was _extremely cathartic_ to shove that glowing orange feather down that creep's throat.

Ardyn's face contorted around it, trying to hack it up and only coming out with a weak, croaking, "What?" The skin around his eye peeled, leeching black, breaking down into daemonic goo in seconds.

"That," said Noctis viciously, "was for my father."

"My dear boy—" was as far as the man got before there was another feather in his mouth.

"And _that_ was for the Titan."

Ardyn was actually starting look a little bit panicked under his deteriorating human veneer. "Wai— _ack-leck._ "

"And _this_ is for putting us all through this fucking war!"

 _"Gnrk_ —"

There was an unholy, gleefully manic look growing in Noctis' eyes. "And _this_ is for Insomnia."

Several paces away, Prompto edged over to the other two. "Uhh, is he...?"

"I'm sure this is quite therapeutic for him," Ignis said mildly. The 'immortal' Lucis Caelum was almost entirely black goo now. Noctis was stabbing feathers into his mushy, dripping sides like they were at a speed turkey taxidermy competition. "Would you like to have a go?"

Noctis was starting to giggle. It was single-handedly the most terrifying sound Prompto had heard in his life.

"Iiiiii think I'm good," he said, and edged a little closer as a splash of tar landed at his feet and hissed into nothingness.

* * *

Noctis wheezed, grinding the last Phoenix Down into the last spot of black with the heel of his boot. _There. Gone. **Done.**_

Gentiana, standing off to the side, decided to make her presence known. "...Well done, Chosen King. The Accursed is dead. The incoming Darkness has been... stopped."

From the look on her face, the words tasted like sour milk.

"And it only took..." Prompto checked their inventory again. "82 Phoenix Downs!"

"Lot better than a murder-suicide," Gladio decided. "That wasn't cheap, though."

Ignis checked their funds. "Perhaps Coctura will have news of some new hunts we may accept."

Hands on knees, Noctis panted, "Sounds- Sounds good to me."

"If _the Chosen King_ has finished destroying a Prophesy _thousands of years forecoming_ , then the Oracle shall hear of it," Gentiana broke in. She looked and sounded about as pissed as a godly Messenger could get.

Noctis would feel sorry, but he was pretty happy he didn't have to die just yet.

"And the daemons?" he still asked, because he had to. "The Empire?"

"The root of the poison has been pulled," Gentiana informed them all grudgingly. "The Scourge shall fester no longer. Deprived of their power, the Empire shall fall. Those felled by the Scourge will burn in the Light of our Star."

"...Sweet!" said Prompto, brightening considerably.

"Well, I'd say _that's_ worth a few thousand gil," said Gladio, shifting his weight and grinning.

Ignis adjusted his glasses. "Indeed."

They all just seemed to make Gentiana more dour.

"Hey, Gentiana?" Noctis said hesitantly. Asking a favor of an angered spirit was probably not the _best_ idea, but...

She gave him a flat look.

 _Nothing ventured, nothing gained._ "Tell Luna to meet us in Lestallum."

Gentiana studied him for a moment longer, then softened almost imperceptibly and inclined her head. "To reunite with the Chosen King will please the young Oracle. The message will be delivered."

Noctis hid his relief. _No smiting today._

"We _will_ need funds if we wish to have a place to stay tonight," Ignis reminded them dryly, "so I suggest we get a move on."

Gentiana dipped her chin in farewell and vanished.

"Right." "Gotcha." "There's always camping." "— _Not_ today."

Prophesy, crisis, and apocalypse averted, the four brave warriors set off, ready to slay dangerous beasts for cold, hard cash.


End file.
